The Chronicles of Bad Fanfiction
by Phrynia
Summary: A home for all the unwanted cliches... in parody form, of course!
1. Emo Harry and Reformed Draco

**Title: **The Chronicles of Bad Fanfiction.

**Disclaimer: **(rolls eyes) Dude, GET REAL!!

**Warnings: **Slash, bad humour, general lameness, language, rape, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation, etc.

**Setting: **After HBP.

**A/N: **This is a place for all my fanfiction parodies to go. Each one will be a separate chapter. The first one is a Harry/Malfoy parody. Please don't take offence; I actually love this ship. It also amuses me. No offence is meant to anyone by this story, including homosexuals, people who have been raped, people who are suicidal or self-mutilate, or just the general population. Please review!

- - -

It was the summer before Harry's seventh year at Hogwarts. He was feeling awfully depressed, as he was forced to stay with the Dursleys alone, even though Ron and Hermione had clearly stated that they'd accompany him. _Jerks._

Harry gave a sigh. He was depressed. He was cutting himself. He was suicidal.

He wanted Draco Malfoy.

Yes. Harry had come to this conclusion in between the horrible beatings his uncle _('vErnnin')_ gave him, and between the not-so-occasional occasions when his cousin raped him.

"Harry!" his uncle spat, banging on his door, which immediately broke away from its hinges, tumbling to the ground to the rhythm of 'Bittersweet Symphony'. "I hate you! Your aunt hates you! Your cousin hates you! Oh, and 'cause I'm just sooooooo original at insults, WE HATE YOU!"

Harry, who would've already jumped to this conclusion in canon, bravely holds his tears back, until his uncle leaves. Then he cuts himself. And contemplates suicide. And fucking Malfoy.

Did I mention he's depressed?

This continues on for several more chapters, much like the first. Oh, and did you hear about Dudley's new bird? It's called Buster. And it's soooo much bigger than Hedwig.

Harry's poor owl didn't stand a chance against the King of Birdie-Rape.

So. Harry and Hedwig sobbed on each other's shoulders. _And then one day..._

"Malfoy!" Harry exclaimed, peering out his window. "What are you doing here?"

"Isn't it _obvious _Potter?" Malfoy sneered. "I need some help. The Dark Lord is on my trail."

(_Hear we may start to wonder why Malfoy goes to his arch enemy for help, when he's most likely furious at the fact that he killed one of the people he loved most in the world. Obviously, Harry doesn't.)_

Harry stared into Malfoy's eyes. He was... beautiful.

'_Did I just think that about Malfoy?' _Harry wonders, in a boring internal monologue that would usually continue for several pages, but in this case, you are being spared the horror.

_(And, yes Harry, you did.)_

Malfoy _was _beautiful. His eyes were sparkling orbs of the deepest, coldest blue. His hair was long and golden, seemingly spun from the finest of all... hair spinners? He was wearing a black silk shirt, and black leather pants. He smelled like moonlight. (WTF?)

Gawd, he was _beautiful_.

Malfoy peered up coyly from beneath his eyelashes. "Like what you see, Potter?"

Harry blushed. "I-"

"We can't be together, Potter!" Malfoy cried, turning away. "My father, your status in the world... it just wouldn't work out."

"What wouldn't?" Harry asked, confused.

Malfoy blinked. "Did I say that out loud?"

Harry nodded. Malfoy blinked.

Again.

"So, can I stay here, Harry?" Malfoy pleaded.

"_Harry_?"

"I- I-"

They stared deeply into each other's eyes. It was the moment that defined their relationship.

"Harry," Malfoy breathed.

It was then that they realised they were fighting a battle they couldn't win. And, frankly, they weren't quite sure they wanted to.

"Draco," Harry breathed back. (. . .)

In one movement, Harry had pressed his lips to 'Draco's'. Their tongues battled/wrestled/sparred/fought/struggled for dominance.

(_And the readers look around for their puke-buckets.)_

"I love you, Harry," Malfoy confessed, drawing away, finally. "But... we can never be together. You see-"

"Let me guess," said Harry, thoughtfully. "You're a Veela? And my prophesised 'mate'?"

"How did you...?"

"I read fanfiction, too."

(Insert really squicky sex scene, including the obligatory phrase 'pulsing echo of manhood'.)

_(Readers look for therapy...)_

"Damn. I love you, Harold James Potter."

_(It's _Harry_, I tell you!)_

"I love you too, Dracotemis Luciususususus Malfoy."

"Wicked. Let's get hitched."

"Sure, Drakie-baby."

So. They got married, in a big ceremony, with lots of flowers and chocolate. Then they decided that, since they were gay, they had to _act _gay. Harry and Draco each took a vow to never wear anything but pink, and drink nothing but mineral water. They had lots of little babies, named (insert Marty Stu name here) and (insert Mary Sue name here). And the author happily continued her life in utter ignorance of how babies were made, and how the word '_vErnnin'_ was spelt.

**A/N: **Please review, guys! Any advice or criticism warmly accepted!


	2. All Things Wrong With The Marauder Era

**Disclaimer, Warnings and Setting: **See first chapter.

**A/N: **This is a mockery of fanfiction in the Marauder Era. I hardly read it anymore because it's so dreadfully, dreadfully cliché. Some of them are quite good, though, so... (shrugs) Oh, yeah, and I have nothing against Evanescence. I do, however, have something against Evanescence in Marauder Era fics. Anyway, hope you enjoy! And please review!

- - -

It was Lily's seventh year at Hogwarts. Why? Because the author said so. And how can an author write the inevitable smut scenes (that are oh-so-common in these fics) about an eleven year old?

Oh. OH. So _that's... _yeah. Okay... You might not wanna read the stuff I do.

_Not. Pretty_.

So, anyway. Lily stepped onto the train, her wand in her hand. Her eyes sparkled like dewy grass on a summer's day, and they matched her tank top, which was the _exact same shade_. She was wearing a mini skirt, to show off her perfectly toned legs, and this would have made anyone else look like a slut. _But not Lily, _because she was _just that good._

"Hi, Lils!"

Lily turned to see her two best friends, Aaralyn Jessika Lulubelle and Roxanne Aramantha Lucinda, standing beside her.

"Hi, Aaralyn! Hi Roxy!" she squealed, throwing her ands around them. "Ohmygosh! How were your hols?"

(Yeah. I wonder how many times the author read through her mum's Enid Blyton books to get an English phrase like 'hols'.)

"Hot," Aaralyn replied, reminding us quite sickenly of Paris Hilton. "I went to the new Evanescence concert."

"Same here," Roxanne agreed, tossing her ebony hair over her shoulder.

"Lily! I LOVE YOU!!"

Dum-dum-da.

"James Potter!" Lily yells. "Get the hell away from me! I hate you!"

So he does. He goes up to his dormitory- (Since when did we arrive at Hogwarts?) –and cries his poor little deepest-chocolate-brown eyes out.

THEY'RE HAZEL FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

Ahem. Sorry. Personal issues.

Sirius and Remus comfort him.

"There's plenty more fish in the sea, mate... That pretty blonde Ravenclaw was staring at you last week..."

Sirius leaves, only to return many hours later with his shirt on backwards.

"Now think about it logically, James... Have some chocolate... Speaking of chocolate..."

Remus leaves.

Peter is still there. Peter does not comfort James. Peter acts like a bastard.

Meanwhile...

"Ohmygosh, Lils! There's gonna be a BALL!"

"Wow! Really? That is like sooooo awesome!"

"Totally."

"So who are you going with?"

A mixture of emotions flitted across Lily's face.

"I- I don't know," she 'admits'.

(Duh. You only heard about the damn ball, what, three seconds ago.)

"Let's go shopping," Roxanne suggests. "Conveniently, we arrived at school on a Hogsmeade weekend."

Walkie-walkie-walkie-walkie-walkie-walkie-walkie-walkie..

UNTIL...

"We're here!" shouted Lily ecstatically, even though it was her seventh year at Hogwarts and she must have been to Hogsmeade dozens of times already.

-SHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOP-

"How do I look?" Aaralyn asks nervously, twirling around in a circle.

Her dress was pure white, with glittery blue trim that highlighted her sapphire eyes. Her long blonde curls cascaded down her back. Roxanne was standing beside her, her pink dress going perfectly with her twilight coloured hair. (...?)

"You both look great," Lily remarked sadly.

"What's wrong then, Lils?" Roxanne asked, looking at her friend.

"I- I don't know what to wear."

"Come on, we'll find you something."

They searched through every single dress- (they wear ROBES, dammit!) -in the shop, until finally they found an emerald-green gown. It had a low neckline, thin straps, and, wow, came with matching high-heels.

Oh, and it matched Lily's eyes...

"It's PERFECT!" Aaralyn squealed. "You have to get it."

Lily nodded slowly. "I think I will, Aaralyn. I think I will."

- - -

It was the night of the ball. Everyone looked GOR-GEOUS.

But not so much as to upstage Lily...

And James, for that matter...

"Do you want to dance?" he asked her.

"Okay," Lily replied, not thinking as her mouth agreed. "Oops! I mean I hate you."

It didn't sound very convincing to either of them.

The song changed. Abruptly.

Yup, it was by guess who... Evanescence.

(Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa insert lyric about dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing heeeeeeeeeeeeere. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa isert lyric abouuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttt-)

"Lily?" James said softly, interrupting her train of thought. "What's wrong?"

Lily was confused, until she realised she'd been crying. 'Cause Evanescence was just that sad.

"My parents were killed by Voldemort this morning," she chokes, and we wonder why this is the first we've heard about it.

James gasps. "Mine too!"

Oh, yeah. And Lily's eyes matched her dress.

They snog. They cuddle. They snog some more. They go upstairs, remove their clothes, and...

Nine months later...

"Wow!" Lily says happily. "Isn't it amazing how our last school year only lasted a week after that ball?"

"Yeah," James agreed. Then, to baby Harry... "Open up! Here comes the aeroplane..."

"AARGH!!! JAM-JAM!! QUICK, PROECT ME!! VOLDY'S COMING!!!"

There was a flash of green light. And another. And another. And...

"Wow. This sucks real bad. I hope Petunia doesn't slap me, like last time I came to her about a baby..."


	3. A Parody Of A Parody

**Disclaimer, Warnings and Setting: **See first chapter.

**A/N: **This story is a parody of all parodies. Thanks to goldenbubbles for the idea, and everyone else who reviewed! Oh, I would also like to mention that I have nothing against the name Sarah. It's a cool name, and one of my best friends is called Sarah. This is very short, but it was hard to write, and there wasn't a lot I could really think of saying. The next chapter will be up soon, though. Please review!

- - -

One average day, the fanfic author hPrULEZ54721 was sitting around at home, bored out of her mind. Her story, 'A Love Too Tragic', in which Harry turned evil, suicidal and emo all in a weekend, was good, she mused. So why were all the humour stories getting reviews?

"Dammit, Sarah!" her mother called from downstairs. "Do your homework, already!"

"I hate you!" Sarah screamed. "You never let me do anything! Stop trying to rule my life! I'M NOT YOU AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE!!"

Sarah slammed her door, tears pouring down her cheeks. Damn her family and their stupid ideas. Who needed society?

Sarah took a deep breath, and calmed herself. _In, out. In, out. _It was okay. Her story had gotten five reviews that week. How could she get more...? Ah. Well, Ron had been acting kinda shifty... maybe he could team up with Dumbledore and his neo-nazi club. Yeah. That'd do. Everyone hates Ron.

'"_Don't you get it, Potter?" Dumbledore sneered. "I don't like you. I've **never **liked you. In fact, the only reason I even **put up **with you is because I knew your power would be worth it in the end."_

_Harry cried as Dumbledore proceeded to rape him. And then Severus entered..._

"_Severus!" Harry cried. "Please, help me..."_

_He whimpered in fright. Severus' eyes turned to narrow slits as he surveyed the one who had dared to touch his lover._

"_Snape..." Dumbledore cowered in fright. "I didn't mean it! I swear, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! It was all Ron Weasley! He was the mastermind in all of this! PLEASE SNAPE, I'M SORRY!"_

_All of a sudden... who should enter, but..._

RON WEASLEY!

"_Potter," he sneered, acknowledging his old friend. "Snape. Dumbledore."_

"_Don't go near him, Harry," Severus said, tossing his beautiful, silky hair._

"_Harry..." Ron mused, looking from Severus to his friend. His eyes grew wide. "Harry! You and Snape didn't..." His eyes filled with tears. "But I love you, Harry! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MOMENTS WE SHARED?"'_

Sarah, or hPrULEZ54721, sighed. Her story was great, but... well, maybe she should try parodying. After all, they DID tend to get all the reviews.

'_Let's see,'_ she thought. _'Um... okey-dokes. First I'll try Harry and Snape, with an evil Dumbledore. That should be easy. Especially since I've written at least half a dozen of them.'_

So she typed. And she typed. And, the final product began thus...

'"_Don't you get it, Potter?" Dumbledore sneered. "I don't like you. I've **never **liked you. In fact, the only reason I even **put up **with you is because I knew your power would be worth it in the end."'_

Sarah blinked. "Jeez. I wonder why it's so similar to the _real _one...?"


End file.
